remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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