I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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