fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
