capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize