apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
