pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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