I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
