I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
