There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
