oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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