so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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