I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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