I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
