I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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