I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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