My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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