Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
