I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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