The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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