Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
