stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
