Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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