chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
