Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
