I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
