Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Randomize
