Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
