worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
