I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
