remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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