I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Barsexuality is the new black.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
