your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
