Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
