You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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