did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
