I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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