i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
