I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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