I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I am one with the molecules
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
