If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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