i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
