Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
