I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
