do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
