It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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