I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
