you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
There are leaves in my underwear?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
