so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
