dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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