Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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