so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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