If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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