can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
