hell yes lets make some ravioli
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
