After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
