i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
