There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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