I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
