when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
